close / d

when the group chat asks/ if I would rather go to the sauna/ where they don’t separate by “sex”/ I pause/ want to say/ I am okay with either/ up to you/ I am used to shaving my forests down/ waxing my rainbows/ rounding my back/ wearing an old smile/ on top of an older war/ but somewhere impossible in me/ I knew it is okay for me to want to warm myself/ in my entirety/ to be fully alive/ wherever I am/ be it/ saunas/ holidays/ hospitals of/ rainless crimson/ I deserve to be human/ everywhere I go/ for a second/ this group chat is an afterlife of possibility/ 

maybe I am really/ always trans / maybe I am myself even as I/ find my own name/ as/ I discover my own blood work/ 

I am myself even as/ I don’t defend my dignity/ 

I let go of everyone who saw/ my rebirth as a death/ crossing a frontline/ as giving myself up/ instead of/ surrendering myself in-to/ a sovereign state/ I lay my girl-weapons bare/ expose my naked/ hairy/ war-torn/ unsmiling/ delight. I revel in/ the alchemy of myself/ 

I fought/ to believe in this new/ from all unchosen starting places/ old homes that have become vacant from the inside out/ memorials other people put into my name/ borders/ other people/ put into my body/ I fought to believe/ I would end up here/ and so I did/ transgender and possible/ 

In this afterlife of possibility/ my pronouns/ are always my pronouns/ my gender/ is always my gender/ and my trust is always my trust/ And damn I do trust / 

the sound of forests bundled up/ the steam of eucalyptus/ twigs cuddling each other at all costs/ like faggots do/ making sparks/// heat/ ///showing each other what is within reach/